Today

Ah, what a beautiful day today is!
I woke up took the dogs out, ate some breakfast and drank some bacon coffee. Then I read my email and saw that I have an interview tomorrow! and there it came...
Confidence is the key factor to stabbing anxiety in the heart with a redwood stake
but it seems for most of us there always has to be something, outside of ourselves to find that.
so, here we go:
Confident=You :)

3:00pm
Just came back from the dog park. Aww, they loved it! Gherkin still needs people and other doggie skills :(
That little bitch is going to drive me insane.

Well, there you go folks. I havent been outside by myself in over a month and I did it today! yay, me!

Entry 2 of 365

Let's see. Today I learned that the anxiety for going outside only happens when I'm alone! Which sucks because it took me about 6 months in 2008 to be okay with being alone and trust me, it wasn't easy. Hey, being alone in your house is totally different from being alone at a movie..... or dinner, for a couple of examples. It takes some weird being in yourself to actually absolutely be OK with doing things outside the house that you would normally do with other people. I have long time friend, Heather, to thank for that. Hi, Heather!
           and
Here's to relearning that all over again *toast*
Maybe it wont be so hard this time around since after all, I have already done it. I just have to get myself back in the habit again. Like working out.
So, I know todays post was boring and not so funny as yesterday. I should put you out of your misery while I still have you.
NO MORE PROCRASTINATING!
-Nicole Rae

"What I've Learned Today"

Hello, everybody. So, I started this blog for jotting down poems and short stories but I've decided to change that idea. In the spirit of the New Year, I'm going to dedicate this blog to writing something else. You know the saying, "Live life to the fullest" or "oh, hey! You learn something new every day." Well, Let' see What I can learn.  This is going to be hard. Lately, I haven't been in the mood to go outside. I develop a buildup of anxiety... so this is going to be interesting. It also may not be interesting. I may have a boring day one of these days. Anyway, this blog is going to have an entry every day for the rest of the 2011 year, in a summary of "what I've learned today". I'm not sure if I can do this alone:( I'm going to need you and I'm going to need all the help I can get!
-Nicole Rae

1/10/11 Entry #1
So, as it turns out, I'm already 10 days late. hum, I wont mind using the first 10 days of 2012 if you dont;)

Today I learned a little bit about myself. Has it ever happened that you've known something about yourself and you forgot? It's like comN' round again. Haunting or provoking you? I think the trick to not having it all get to you; is to ACCEPT it. But, Nikki, how do I accept everything about myself? Ah, yes. Im glad you asked that. Read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and have an open mind. It helped me get through one of the hardest times of my life (More On This On a Later Entry)

Rule number 1 Be Impeccable With Your Word
Rule number 2 Don't Take Anything Personally
Rule number 3 Don't Make Assumptions
Rule number 4 Always Do Your Best

uh-oh
Apparently I'm behind on his literature. There seems to be a fifth rule now. hum, ....

Scratch  all that. Bottom line, it's Philological. Stop whining and take control of your life! GOD
Okay back to me and what I learned today.
I have a hard time letting go. It's not everything or all the time. There's just this thing in me that hates change and uncertainty. What really sucks is that I ponder about it and it occupies me. Have you noticed that is unproductive and mindfucking?! Of course you know! Well, I've decided ALWAYS (living life to the fullest!) be "creative" when it comes to the not letting go. Oh, its going to be hard to remember at first oh and its going to be hard to remember that it has to be positive creativeness.
An example of that going the wrong way would be this:

Having your mind set of being creative with your makeup and clothes (starts as something good)
and then giving yourself compliments in the mirror about how hott you look (still good!)
Then saying to yourself, "I'm going to go out and show how cute I am! But ill be out for no more than 2 hours cause i have to get up early in the morning to go to work." ( Here's where the angel/devil pops up)

While subconsciously  you're thinking, "fuck work a monkey can do that job. I'm drinking till I cant remember SHIT!! I'm going to make new friends why wouldn't I,, I'm so hot tonight! woo-hooo!!!"(Bad)
Then going out and getting shit faced. (Ultimate Bad)

See how it slowly turns a positive to a negative? You don't wanna do that again, right? I sure don't!

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Those were some good times though!!!!
LOL

If you need help with positive creativity for a broken life/heart
or
If you just need to rant and rave about shit
Please share.
You never know what you'll get out of it.... something heartfelt perhaps....... or a little happy joy maybe........ or stress relief coming to ya....... or




Thanks for reading!
-Nicole Rae